Haunted by ' something I don't know what '

   1982 : I started my studies in the secondary school.It was one of the popular boarding schools in Johor.I was offered to study there after getting 5As in my primary school.I knew that deep in my heart ,I was not ready to leave my hometown.However, I told myself that I had to go to achieve my ambition.I knew I could do it.

   Unfortunately everything went wrong.I don't know how to explain.I loved to be there but at the same time I really did not know how to mingle around.I felt that everyone was laughing at me. No one laughed but I felt that I was a laughing stock.I was alone.I wanted a friend to be my shoulder to cry on but I found none.I did not know what was wrong with me.I had a very low self-esteem.I had no confidence at all.My IQ was ok but I got very low EQ.

   Then, everything went topsy-turvy.One day I tried to go to my dorm but I could not find the stairs. I walked to and fro but I saw none until my warden helped me to the dorm.The 'something that I could not explain'haunted me day and night.I felt like killing myself since I hated myself so much.I did not know why.I just hated myself so much.It was illogical but I  experienced it.Every time I stepped my feet in my class, I saw a gigantic fierce-looking creature blocking my way.

   After 6 months, I could not take it anymore so I continued my studies in my hometown.I  was sad because people blamed me for being a spoilt brat who could not live independently.I knew that my parents did their best to make sure I could study in the boarding school.But I left with no choice since I knew that If I stayed there longer the possibilities for me to commit suicide was very high even though I did not know why I hated myself so much.

    My new school gave me a light.I could study better without been haunted by 'something that I could not explain what'.However,I still could not get rid of my very low self-esteem.I got no confidence at all. I was totally a loser.What I could not understand was, each time I sat for any exams, I had a fever.I could not think without having a terrible headache.It was so painful.It was like a needle was pierced onto my head.

< To be continued >